 |
Monday, August 11th. I was finishing up eating dinner with my husband and stepdaughter when I decided to peak at my phone. There it was on Twitter, actor and comedian Robin Williams was dead. I thought and hoped it was a hoax. How can such a beautiful and amazing person be gone?
To my shock and horror I would learn he took his own life.
Bouts of sadness are nothing unusual for me. I suffer from anxiety and depression. I have always been a worrying type of individual. The despair and stress took flight in graduate school. One evening I couldn’t fall asleep. The next time I woke up at 1am. T
he cycle continued for well over a month.
I tried meditation, sleeping aids and exercise. The sleepless nights were having an effect on me. I felt very fatigued and would start crying for no reason. On a plane to Vegas I began to cry because I was listening to a sad song. Sin city is supposed to be a fun and outrageous place. My body was so physically tired that I just wanted to sleep. In our beautiful hotel room, a crying jag would break out. My poor husband didn’t know what was wrong. In fact, I didn’t really know myself.
Eventually I started to see a therapist and went on anxiety and depression medicine. It helped me to relax and get a full night of sleep. It was not a miracle cure all.
Even with the pills, the anguish is still present. It just lays dormant, waiting for the moment to peak. The moments of rejection over failed writing opportunities or family issues weigh me down.
My mother suffers from manic depression. She tried to take her own life on more than once. The first time was after my grandmother passed away. Mom had been drinking and jumped over the porch. Her grief was too much to bear and she felt she didn’t want to be on this earth. The second time she tried to take a bunch of pills. She was under a tremendous amount of stress due to having nine children. My father was emotionally abusive.
After she left my father she didn’t have anymore suicidal tendencies. However, when life complications resurface, she would make threatening comments about harming herself.
People have speculated why Williams killed himself. He had everything, why throw it all away? The fact is when in that troubled mindset, it is like quicksand. Negative thoughts shift within the saturated sand. Sadness bubbles just below the surface. In that dark moment, a struggle to get out alive occurs. Even with all the fame and affection of fans, the pain stuck to him and pulled him under.
It is too late to discuss possible causes or ill fated solutions. The world lost a brilliant actor, comedian, husband, father and friend. What I learned from his death is that in this society of lingering prejudices, depression is not selective.
Robin Williams is not the first nor last person to take their own life. With that said, let us take our eyes off the other monstrosities we can’t control for moment. Look to each other, and offer comfort for people who feel the world is cold and hopeless.
Sandstorm
By: Karen Pilarski
Warm, yellow particles
Whipping in air
Swirling through brown hair
Slaps my face like reality
Stings my eyes
Rubbed them red
But the sand like my bad decision remained instead
It blows around
In the middle of its current
I dance
Ocean like conscious cuts in
Water and sand coincide
I linger for a moment
Then drop off under the sun rise
Wind whirling and whistling
Where do I stand?
When the sandstorm subsides?
Karen Pilarski 